Equipping the Saints to Counsel - Lesson 8

by Dr. Ray Self

Crisis and Trauma Counseling

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Crisis and Trauma Counseling

A crisis or trauma can be caused by the loss of anything.

Grief is intense emotional suffering caused by a loss:

The external sign of grief is mourning
The loss of innocence, loss of childhood, loss of joy, loss of a season, loss of a valuable object, and of course the death of a significant person will cause grief.

We need to develop our own special abilities as a counselor. The Spirit of the Lord is on you, and He is willing to use your gifts and natural talents.

When a traumatic event takes place we may need to help people make the tough decisions:

Common sense wisdom may be a difficult task for the person who is in crisis.
You should not make decisions but assist in making decisions for another responsible adult.
You can guide him or her with ideas or statements such as, “This is what I would do in this situation.”

The first step is to acknowledge that the crisis has taken place and to get all involved to acknowledge that a crisis has taken place.

People in denial will make poor or no decisions and may have strange behaviors that are unsuitable for the occasion.

Denial will cause a person not to seek help.

Denial will keep powerful emotions locked away which will eat at the soul of the person, like a cancer.

Hurting people must be allowed to express their feelings:

Venting through words can be a healthy release of pent up emotions.
Some emotions may seem not to fit the situation, because they have come from past memories or hurts that have surfaced.

Our goal is to help our counselee come to a healthy resolution:

You will know when resolution has taken place because your counselee is moving forward in a healthy way.
There is a season to deal with yesterday and a season to move into tomorrow.

The word of God has the answers needed when it is applied appropriately. Be careful how you use the word of God so as to not cause condemnation.

Crisis counselors must be compassionate:

Be ready to experience some distress yourself.
Have the ability to identify with the problem.
Instruct your counselee to go ahead and cry.
Empathy is the projection of ones personality or feelings onto another.
To be good counselors we must be able to understand what our counselees are going through.

We need not only our emotions but our minds:

Listen and discern the heart of the counselee.
The crisis counselor must have the desire to alleviate pain.
The leading question is, “What has been done to this point?”
Explain that you are there to help and ask, “What can I do?”
Do not counsel when you are not wanted.
Remember the old saying, "The difference between a guest and a pest is an invitation."

Allow the person to express grief:

Grief should be kept within normal limits.
Grief is used by God for healing of the soul, but it can be a hindrance if it goes too long.
Old dreams may have to be buried.
Life can take traumatic turns.
It is important for you to facilitate healing, as soon as possible, in order to close in demonic doorways.

God restores vision, but it may not be what a person originally thought it would be because of the traumatic event. Jesus is the healthy resolution and all Christian counselors should be ministers of Christ.

Grief Stages

Shock.

Any sudden disturbance or irritation of the mind through a great surprise is shock.

Shock affects the emotional, physical and spiritual.
When there is shock, check for damage and be ready to intervene if necessary.
God may be blamed.
Pray for wisdom in this area of counseling.
We need to monitor the person who is in this stage.
One main goal is to get them to press in to God.

Denial

Everyone goes through a certain amount of denial.
Denial is used to attempt to protect the brain from pain.

Anger and Questioning

This is the area where we need to help the counselee the most.
Anger can easily give a place to Satan.
Angry people will accuse everyone.
In the final stage of accusation a person will blame himself.
A person who is angry is gullible and can fall into error.
Anger causes resentment, which can lead to bitterness.
Questioning can lead to the doubt of God’s authority.
Trying to understand is an attempt to feel secure in ourselves and is not trusting God.
When? Question of God’s love. What? Question of God’s purpose. Where? Does God exist?
You do not have the answers!

Depression

Short term may be normal, long term very damaging.
There is a normal time for depression, which is different from the disease of depression (bi-polar I, bi-polar II, dystemia, etc.).

Reconciling

This is the beginning stage of acceptance.
Reasoning and logic are restored.
Trust starts to grow.
Anger begins to subside.

Acceptance

This is a part of my history.
This is reality, it is over, I am ready to move forward.

Philippians 3:13 - Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead.

Equipping the Saints to Counsel - Lesson 7

by Dr. Ray Self

The Dysfunctional Family and Its Long Term Effects

This discussion is not to place blame or condemnation on anyone. We will simply look squarely at the truth. The word dysfunction implies that something is not functioning correctly, or the purpose of the system is not being met. God has a plan for humankind. In this plan the family plays a major role. God has a divine purpose and plan for the family unit. God created man and then determined that it was not good for man to be alone. He brought the woman and man together and then commanded that they be fruitful and multiply. God’s plan for the family goes back to the beginning of creation.

Man fell from the grace of God when sin entered the world through disobedience. Man’s relationship with God was severed. Now man would have to try to earn God’s favor by strict adherence to God’s commandments. The Law of Moses established the rules and regulations of God. The Bible says that if we violate any one of God’s commandments we have violated them all. In order to be a lawbreaker you do not have to disobey all of the rules, you just have to disobey one of them. Since man fell from grace through Adam, man has tried unsuccessfully to reestablish that intimate relationship with God wherein one could actually walk and talk with Him as before.

The law of God clearly pointed out that we couldn’t please God or ever measure up to His regulations. What does this mean? It means that all of mankind needs a savior; someone who can save us and give us back our right standing with God. The answer is Jesus. His sacrifice of His own body was the payment for our crimes. Because of His sacrifice we now can have back that loving relationship with God. God’s ultimate plan for all of humanity is for us all to come to salvation through His Son Jesus.

But….what happens when a person does not get back into that intimate relationship with God? The Bible points out that there are two kingdoms working simultaneously. There is the kingdom of God and the kingdom of Satan. Jesus pointed out to us in John 12:31 that Satan is the ruler of this world. The system of the world is under the guidance of Satan. This fact alone makes it clear that the battle we face is enormous. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places" Ephesians 6:12.

The Lord has made a way for us to overcome the world. Unfortunately many millions have not found the way. So we must not be surprised when we have dysfunction. Satan is the author of dysfunction. God is a God of order. Satan is the ruler of disorder. The plan from God is for our families to be of divine order. There was a wonderful hereditary chain that God established at Calvary. The plan was that each man and woman would be saved and filled with the Spirit of God. In this salvation and filling with the Spirit, the man and woman, as parents, would be able to offer to their children a true representation of the love of God. This undying love was meant to be passed on from generation to generation. Each family was destined to represent God’s goodness and loving-kindness and wisdom to all of its members.

A child’s picture of God is the picture he or she has of her parents. His or her God is Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad have the awesome responsibility to represent God to their children. But something terrible has happened down through the ages. The chain, or link to Christ, has been broken over and over again. If a parent is not under the rule of Christ then he is under the rule of Satan. To be blunt the satanic influence in the dysfunctional family is enormous. God’s plan was for parents to give His love to their children. Satan’s desire is to stop God’s plan. When the cycle of God is broken, dysfunction always takes place.

Generational curses start through disobedience to God. Remember obedience is simply to accept Christ’s obedience and to abide in Him. Disobedience starts a satanic cycle and it is passed on to generation after generation. The cycle of abuse that follows a family through the generations can always be traced through someone who never accepted Christ or was not willing to abide in Him. If Jesus had been accepted by all mankind then abuse would not exist. Even born again Christians can be abusive, but those who are abiding in Christ will have a hard time living outside His will.

Now that you know the primary cause, let’s look at some of the symptoms of the dysfunctional family.

Dysfunction implies something is not functioning the way it was designed.

Dysfunction in the family is a handicap.

The three primary areas of need for all children:

Physical
Guidance
Nurturing

Any shortage in the above areas can be called dysfunction or abuse. Many families work well in some areas but are also weak in other areas. Most families do the best that they can based on their own personal experiences and life programming. A family may fail because of various handicaps:

Common handicaps are drug addiction, alcoholism, mental and emotional problems, depression, and anger management issues.
Handicaps can also later develop as a result of the dysfunctional family.
The number one handicap is the work of Satan in our lives and not being controlled by the Holy Spirit.

Typical characteristics of the dysfunctional family:

One member of the family is handicapped because of alcoholism, drug addiction, severe depression or other behavioral issues.
The needy or handicapped family member gets all of the attention.
Feelings are not expressed or only certain ones are allowed.
Hidden agendas are common.
Denial of problems is the norm.
There is a failure to nurture in this kind of family and there is a lack of trust.
The family is closed to the outside world and critical of success and successful people.
The needy person controls the family like a puppeteer.
Because one member of the family is given all of the attention because of constant crisis other family members are neglected.
Feelings or emotions are not allowed except maybe anger and that may only be allowed to be expressed by one or two people.
Shame is a way of life. It can be underlying but it is always there.
Children will take on the shame of the family. There is something wrong with my family so there must be something wrong with me.
Constant criticism is the norm.
Appearance is everything. They want to look good on the outside no matter what.
Having company is discouraged, because they are afraid they might get discovered.
Destructive roles are permitted.

In dysfunctional families children will often assume the following roles:

The hero child - I will try to be perfect to cover the shame of my family.
The scapegoat child - I will take the blame for everything.
The clown child - I will make everything a joke and I will always laugh and make fun in order not to have to cope.
The lost child - I will fade away; I will just not exist; I will fade into the woodwork.
The surrogate spouse – the child tries to become the father or mother of the family.

Symptoms of an adult child of a dysfunctional family:

May be prone to addiction.
May have low self-esteem.
Has problems with trust and faith.
Has a rebellious attitude toward any form of authority.
May become prideful and arrogant and wear these attitudes like a mask to hide the truth.
Has a constant state of sadness.
Carries a heavy load of guilt and shame.
May have co-dependence tendencies (i.e. letting feelings depend upon those around himself.)
Reactive instead of proactive.
Repeats patterns in relationships; “This time I know that it is going to work out” syndrome.
Is determined to finish the unfinished work of childhood.
Can be attracted to the same unhealthy personality types again and again.
May sabotage his/her own success because of a deep belief that it is not really deserved.

Five ways a dysfunctional family tears down self-esteem:

Love is conditional.
Feelings are not considered important.
The perception of what is normal is lost and the abnormal becomes the normal.
Problem solving strategies fail to be developed.
Unhealthy survival roles are permitted.

Romans 8:33-35, 38-39 - Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword? For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Equipping the Saints to Counsel - Lesson 5

by Dr. Ray Self

Addictions

The addictive cycle:

Inner pain, unresolved painful issues, denial.
Desire to escape or to not feel.
Medication administered such as drugs, alcohol, etc.
Guilt and shame.
More pain, new problems.
Desire to escape and not feel.
More medication.
The cycle continues to repeat and worsen.

The problems, without intervention, will get worse.

Chemical addictions are progressive. The progression of the disease is like cancer; some people will progress rapidly, some slowly, but each will continue to get worse without help.

Chemical addiction can easily be a fatal disease.

Hitting Bottom

Bottom is the place that most chemically addicted persons will eventually get to.

Bottom can be described as a terrible place of great loss.
These loses can be bankruptcy, divorce, home, family, job and all self-worth.
Bottom is the place wherein most chemically addicted people are most likely to cry out for help.

Denial

Denial is an unwillingness to face reality and admit the truth.

Denial can be described as living the lie, because the truth is too painful to face.

Denial can be a hard place to come away from because the mind is using denial as a defense to avoid painful reality.

Denial can also invade the family and friends.

Denial itself can be a deadly disease.

Christian counseling is always about bringing the truth into every situation. John 8:32 - And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Without an acknowledgement of the problem it will be difficult to help the individual (not impossible, because of the Lord, but very difficult).

The root of addictions is almost always unresolved pain.

Painful experiences enter the subconscious and remain there and fester like cancer until they are rooted out.

The addictions must be dealt with, but remember they are only a cover-up for deeper problems.

Counselors will deal with two types of pain:

The beginning pain that started the addiction.
The new pain that the addiction has caused.

With addictions always comes plenty of shame and guilt.

Shame and guilt must be resolved or the pain will never leave and also the craving to medicate will stay. Isaiah 54:4 - Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth.

The Family

The family can suffer as much and even more than the handicapped member.

The person with the addiction will become the center of all attention.
The family will become so focused on trying to solve the problem that they will totally neglect the needs of each member.
The family will try desperately to fix the addicted one.
The members of the family cannot fix the problem.

The family members must get the focus back on themselves or they will also drown.

Two people drowning are of no benefit to each other.

The family must learn how to "Let go and let God."

Only God can save people from themselves.

Enabling

Enabling is the removing of responsibility or natural consequences from another person.

A prophecy about the New Covenant found in Jeremiah 31:29-30 says, "In those days they shall say no more, The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge. But every one shall die for his own iniquity: every man that eateth the sour grapes, his teeth shall be set on edge."

In the above scripture we can see that God holds each one of us personally responsible for our own sin. We are not to be responsible for another person’s sin. If we take responsibility for another’s sin then we can stand in the way of their forgiveness.

Families tend to enable the addicted person because it seems like love.

Enabling can feel like it is the proper thing to do and it is helping the person with the addiction, but actually it is very hurtful for the addict and the whole family.

The family will need as much counseling as the addicted member.

Many families will be in denial that they themselves have a problem.

Anyone constantly exposed to the terrible behavior of an addicted person will be adversely affected.

The problems are deep and complex and are not automatically solved once the addiction stops.

A person may not be responsible for the addiction but, he can be responsible to do something about it. There are many resources available for anyone who truly wants help.

Equipping the Saints to Counsel - Lesson 6

by Dr. Ray Self

The Twelve Step Program

The twelve-step program is a set of guiding principles for recovery from addiction, compulsion, or other behavioral problems. Originally proposed by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) as a method of recovery from alcoholism, the Twelve Steps were first published in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous in 1939. The method was then adapted, and became the foundation of other twelve-step programs such as Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Co-Dependents Anonymous and Emotions Anonymous.

History

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), the first twelve-step program, was founded in 1935 by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith, known to AA members as "Bill W." and "Dr. Bob", in Akron, Ohio. They established the tradition within the "anonymous" twelve-step programs of using only first names. In 1953 AA gave permission for Narcotics Anonymous to use its Steps and Traditions. As AA was growing in the 1930s and 1940s, definite guiding principles began to emerge as the Twelve Traditions. A singleness of purpose emerged as tradition five: "Each group has but one primary purpose -- to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers." Consequently, drug addicts who do not suffer from the specifics of alcoholism involved in AA hoping for recovery technically are not welcome in "closed" meetings for alcoholics only. The reason for such emphasis on alcoholism as the problem is to overcome denial and distraction. Thus the principles of AA have been used to form many numbers of other fellowships for those recovering from various pathologies, each of which in term emphasizes recovery from the specific malady which brought the sufferer into the fellowship

The Twelve Steps

These are the original Twelve Steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous. Scriptures were added by me. It should be understood that the only higher power that can bring healing is Jesus. There is no other higher power.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. Ecclesiastes 2:17 - So I hated life, for the work which had been done under the sun was grievous to me; because everything is futility and striving after wind.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Psalms 103:2 - Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget none of His benefits; Who pardons all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Psalms 37:5 - Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Psalms 139:23-24 - Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. James 5:16 - Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Matthew 9:28 - When He entered the house, the blind men came up to Him, and Jesus said to them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" They said to Him, "Yes, Lord."
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Matthew 7:7 - Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Mark 11:25 - Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 2 Samuel 9:7 - David said to him, "Do not fear, for I will surely show kindness to you for the sake of your father Jonathan, and will restore to you all the land of your grandfather Saul; and you shall eat at my table regularly."
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Galatians 6:4 - But each one must examine his own work, and then he will have reason for boasting in regard to himself alone, and not in regard to another.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Matthew 6:10 - Your kingdom come. Your will be done, On earth as it is in heaven.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Acts 8:12 - But when they believed Philip preaching the good news about the kingdom of God and the name of Jesus Christ, they were being baptized, men and women alike.

Equipping the Saints to Counsel - Lesson 4

by Dr. Ray Self

The Critical Spirit

The way a person views others is a product of his or her own heart.

"He that hath a froward heart findeth no good" (Proverbs 17:20).
"a froward heart" is a crooked heart.
Criticism is not a gift of the Holy Spirit; it is a product of a corrupt heart.

The religious spirit has forged the church into a critical reactionary society much like the Pharisees.

The church is reaping what it has sown with interest.
Some religious people try to make believers grow by showing them how weak and faulty they are.

Just because we see a need in someone’s life does not mean we have the right to invade that person’s life.

Our first goal as counselors is to love the people and help them feel safe while owning their problems.

This is a much better way to biblically minister to anyone.
If a person does not feel safe and secure he will cover up.
We can aid the problem of denial, by our own condemnation, even if it is unintentional.

The person who will influence you the most is the person who believes in you.

Ask yourself, can you see the Lord in someone who has obvious problems?
Are you accurately representing the Lord?
Some people will only see God through your image.

Colossians 4:6 – Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone

Salt is a preserver – our speech should be able to preserve, not destroy.
Our conversation if "seasoned" will contain a mature and wise message.
Once we have negatively touched a person’s self-worth, then meaningful conversation is over.
The experience of God’s love begins many times with what people encounter in us.
We should try to bring everyone that we counsel into a loving experience with God.

We are not about proving someone wrong and ourselves right. We are to persuade and demonstrate the love of God so people will feel safe enough to trust Him.

They do not have to open up to us, but they must open up to God.
It was and is always safe to be around Jesus. It is okay to ask questions, discuss issues, and to be ourselves.

Fault finding and having a critical eye are like pulling out the tares (weeds) and in the meantime the field (heart) is destroyed (see Matthew 13:24-30).

Ripping faults out of an individual leaves unrepaired scars.
It is the Holy Spirit working from within that heals the brokenhearted and the sinner, not criticism.

There has never been a problem that God does not have a solution for. Matthew 19:26 - And looking at them Jesus said to them, "With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

How do you find the answer to all problems? “For to us God revealed them through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches all things, even the depths of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man, which is in him? Even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God” (1 Corinthians 2:10-11).

Our own behavioral standards are not a standard to judge others by.

Regardless of the content, our message must be communicated in a meaningful way and not given if not wanted.

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Equipping the Saints to Counsel - Lesson 8