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Dealing with Controlling People - Lesson 04

by Dr. Ray Self


Our Response to the Controller

Click Play in the video player window and follow along on the class notes below.

Our Response to the Controller

Being around controlling people is difficult.

Some typical problems of the victims:

  • Frustration
  • Confusion
  • Resentment
  • Low Self Esteem
  • Self Rejection
  • Tension
  • Hopelessness
What can be done?

You can do want they want but resent it. However guilty compliance is never love, it is slavery. "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver" (2 Cor. 9:7).

You can try to fix or change them but if you attempt to fix or enforce a change on the controller then you have become a controller yourself.

We all want to change people who hurt us. That is a natural response. However we cannot change another person.

You can yield to them.

You can avoid them.

You can fight them.

Healthy Responses

We can be an example and a positive influence.

We can intercede through prayer. It is God’s job to affect change in people so we should pray for God to do what He does best.

We can choose to limit our exposure to them.

We can learn about boundaries. Having healthy boundaries means knowing where you end and another person begins.

God does not hold us responsible for another adult’s thoughts words or behavior. God hold each one of us only responsible for our own actions.

Whenever we fail to own our own behavior, boundaries will be crossed.

It is not about what is done to us it is about what how we react.

What another person thinks of you is none of your business. What you think is your business. What they think is their business.

We can allow the controller to reap what they have sown or in simple terms suffer their natural consequences.

Enabling is taking away the responsibility or consequences of another adult.

When we refuse to enable the controller we are showing them love.

The laws of sowing and reaping can be suspended if you choose to enable the controller.

We are not responsible for the thoughts of others. If someone is thinking good or bad about us we must accept that fact. We can try to affect their thoughts, but we cannot control them.

It is difficult not to allow another person’s words and actions to control us, but that is what God expects. God is a jealous God and He alone wants to be in control.

Study Questions:

  1. Discuss the typical problems of the victim of the controller.
  2. Discuss the result of guilty compliance.
  3. How can we be an example and a positive influence for the controller?
  4. Define the term "boundaries" and what it mean to have healthy boundaries.

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