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Dealing with Controlling People - Lesson 03

by Dr. Ray Self


Dealing with Controlling People and Relationship Issues

Click Play in the video player window and follow along on the class notes below.

Why They Do It

The controller is wounded inside and there is some deep rooted pain.

On a subconscious level they want to avoid the pain at all costs.

The controller wears a mask to cover up their reality.

They have trust issues so surrender to God is difficult - Psalms 118:8 - It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. Without trust there will be a tendency to control.

Living Externally

By trying to control others this allows a person to focus on the outside therefore they can completely ignore the inside.

Without an external focus the controller would have to look inside and deal with their issues.

Controllers have a fear of what they may find within their own heart and therefore avoid their own stuff at all cost.

Living externally is addictive because it covers pain. Controlling can actually accomplish the same thing as alcohol or drugs. Pain can be medicated or ignored by trying to control.

Controlling people have difficulty in living any other way.

God is an internal God – Below is a prophecy by Jeremiah about the coming New Covenant that will put the Lord inside of us. Up to this point God was only to be found in the Holy of Holies and whenever He anointed anyone for a period of time.

Jeremiah 31:33 - "But this is the covenant which I will make with the house of Israel after those days," declares the LORD, "I will put My law within them and on their heart I will write it; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people."

Paul also explained that God is internal for the believer – 1 Corinthians 3:16 - Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?

The controlling person through their externally focused behavior not only avoids themself but they avoid God as well.

Controlling people tend to justify their actions because they believe they are correct in what they trying to accomplish.

By trying to control another person the controller steps in the role of a false God.

Controllers can easily interfere with their victim’s relationship with God.

Usually what God is doing in a person’s life is not want the controller thinks. Isaiah 55:8 - "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.

God’s timing can be disrupted by the controller. Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--

Controlling is a deception that looks good, and seems right but is a sin. Because it looks good and seems right and even holy the controller works very hard at controlling.

Controllers can have a “savior’ complex. They believe they are sent to fix you and therefore save you.

The message of the fixer is that you are broken and they are not. This puts them in a one up position.

The controller feels justifies in trying to force a change on another person thereby fixing them.

God calls all of us equal. No one is called to control another person. We are called to serve each other.

Mark 10:45 - "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."

Study Questions:

  1. Explain the relationship between controlling others and internal pain.
  2. What does it mean to live externally?
  3. Explain what I meant when I said that God is an internal God.
  4. What happens when one person tries to fix another person?

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