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Dealing with Controlling People - Lesson 02

by Dr. Ray Self


Dealing with Controlling People and Relationship Issues

Click Play in the video player window and follow along on the class notes below.

Ignorance does not justify oppression. It only makes it possible. - Patricia Evans

Typical Behavior

Controllers are opinionated on everything and every topic.

Controllers are gifted but tend to misuse their gift.

Controllers are intelligent but use their mind as a weapon.

Controllers believe they are correct on all issues.

Controllers believe that they are the "right" person and others who do not comply with their opinion are the "wrong" person.

Controllers believe that since they are right then they have a right to enforce their correctness on others.

Controllers constantly think about new methods or strategies to get people to do what they want.

Controllers believe that they are serving the Lord by manipulating people to do what they think is right.

Controllers are constantly frustrated because people do not line up with what they think is best.

Controllers are typically poor listeners.

Controllers are not open to other opinions.

Controllers can be narcissist (If it is not something they care about then it does not exist).

The controller desires to fix people rather that serve people. Our model is - Mark 10:45 - For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.

The controller ultimately fails in their attempt to control other people because it is an impossible task.

Because the task is impossible the controller does not stop but tries even harder.

The controller tends to self justify because they believe they are correct in what they are trying to accomplish. Romans 3:10 - as it is written, "THERE IS NONE RIGHTEOUS, NOT EVEN ONE; The controller may struggle with faith because faith involves surrender and surrender means they are not in control.

The controlling person has difficulty in surrendering their self will to the Lord’s will.

This scripture is not understood by the controller - Psalms 37:5 - Commit thy way unto Jehovah; Trust also in him, and he will bring it to pass.

Controllers can tend to be negative because constant criticism is one of their methods of control.

Weapons of the Controller

  • Guilt – you are guilty if you do not comply.
  • Shame – you are shameful if you do not do what they think is right.
  • Fear – something bad will happen to you if you do not do their will.
  • Anger – the controller says, "I will be mad at you if you do not do what I want."
  • Threats – threatening bad consequences if you do not comply with their wished.
  • Arguments – uses their intellectual arguments in order to squash your opinion and control you.
  • Leadership – if the controller has a leadership position they may use threats against you.
  • Misguided authority – example – husbands or pastors, can use their authority to control instead of to lead or serve.
  • Misguided Intercessory prayer – prayers that are my will be done instead of "Thy will be done."
  • Physical abuse – using physical force in order to dominate and force the controller’s will.
  • Emotional abuse – psychological bashing by put downs and criticisms.
  • Abandonment – "I will leave you if you do not do what I want."
  • Sex – withholding within marriage, or used asa weapon against someone’s will.

Effects on the Victims

  • Those around them feel pressured.
  • Some may comply with the controller in order to appease.
  • Appeasement does not solve the problem.
  • There is confusion – this is the most common result of being influenced by a controller because of the problem with witchcraft. Anytime a person is being controlled against their will there will be confusion.
  • When the controller is involved in a difficult situation the problem magnifies.
  • The victims may comply but inwardly they feel resentment.
  • There will be an atmosphere of tension.
  • The victims are frustrated.
  • People begin to try to avoid the controller.
  • The victims start looking for ways to stop or fix the controller.
  • Faith is damaged.
  • Demonic forces can be unleashed that can affect the victim.

Study Questions:

  1. Discuss the typical behavior of a controlling person.
  2. Why does the controlling person have difficulty in surrendering their self will to the Lord’s will?
  3. Discuss the weapons of the controller.
  4. Discuss the effects of the controller on their victims.

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