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Healing From Effects of the Dysfunctional Family

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Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.


Releasing Judgment

Because of the lingering effect of the dysfunctional family faulty self judgment can occur.

Self judgment is wrong at least 90% of the time.

When self judgment is in contrast to God’s judgment there will be a problem.

Our beliefs tend to be based on our experiences instead of the reality of God’s word.

Bad personal experiences = bad personal beliefs.

Good personal experiences = good personal beliefs.

The problem with basing beliefs on experience is that life becomes a roller coaster ride.

Our self- judgments determine our beliefs and our beliefs manifest into our reality.

Everyone lives out of self perception or personal beliefs.


Limiting God in Your Life

Psalms 78:41 - Yea, they turned back and tempted God, and limited the Holy One of Israel.

It is difficult to believe that God can be limited, but it is true.

Numbers 13:33 And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.

God did not see His people as grasshoppers. Your enemies do not see you as grasshoppers.

The problem is simply self perspective and judgment.

The Israelites judgment of themselves caused forty year delay. God’s promise had been limited. God actually limits Himself because He will not enable and violate self will, and His conditions.

Hebrews 4:2 For unto us was the gospel preached, as well as unto them: but the word preached did not profit them, not being mixed with faith in them that heard it.

When what we believe is contrary to the word (God’s judgment) then the word will not prosper in your life.

The problem is not God’s judgment but your own.

Accepting God’s judgment removes us from our own limitations.

God’s judgment for a Christian is shown in Romans 8:16-17 - The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ.

God has judged us as His own children, joint heirs with Jesus Christ!

His grace is limitless and so can we be in Him.

Opportunities will be lost when we see are blinded by personal false perceptions.

The walls of limitation can be built by self-judgment.

When our perception becomes God’s perception then new can surely do all things through Christ.

Even your body will tend manifest what your mind believes.

Every cell in your body responds to your personal thought life.

If you do not believe that you deserve success then every cell in your body will work toward that end.

Your life and your body will follow your mind and its beliefs.

When you believe God you will prosper, believe your old self and you will live only what your flesh can produce.

Do not let your judgment of yourself steal your abundant life like the children of Israel.

If you see yourself as a grasshopper you will live a small life just hopping around looking for your next meal.

When you see yourself through the eyes of God the blessings are countless.


More on Judgment

Matthew 7:1-2 - "JUDGE NOT, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. If we judge people, people will judge us.

Observing fruit and therefore making a determination is not judgment.

Luke 6:38 give, and it will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For the measure you give will be the measure you get back."

We can give the seeds of emotional health to ourselves.

The more seed we plant within our self the greater the harvest.

Identifying what someone did is not judgment. Assuming to know why a person did something is judgment.

When people assume to know why, then reactions are based on judgment not reality. This type of judgment causes confusion and pain.

Letting go of the action of judgment of other’s actions can be very freeing.

The degree of pain or insults we experience is largely determined by the amount of judgment we give to the situation.

Giving up the right to judge can save many valuable relationships.

Many external things only cause pain when we judge them.

If a person is seeking vengeance then they have already passed judgment.

Judgment causes us to issue punishment as the penalty we think a person deserves even if it is only in our mind.

Vengeance belongs to God alone. (Romans 12:19)

Study Questions:

1. How does self-judgment become a life changing reality?
2. How can God be limited?
3. What is God’s judgment of a Christian?
4. What is the difference between observing fruit and passing judgment?

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Healing From the Effects of the Dysfunctional Family

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The effects of the dysfunctional family can be very powerful and last a lifetime. By taking an honest look at symptoms that may be occurring today, it can point to a past that was dysfunctional, but by examination, we can expose the problem and bring it to the light of Christ.

Ephesians 5:13 - But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.

Ephesians 5:11- Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them;

Below listed are some of the possible lingering effects of the dysfunctional family upon its members. There should be no condemnation here. We are simply bringing the problems to the light.

Low Self-Esteem - Because there was so much focus and attention given to the handicapped member of the family, normal nurturing and validation to the children was lacking. Without these critical elements of development low self-esteem can be expected.

Search for Significance - Because the message of the dysfunctional family to the children is that they are not important, the attempt to try to find value and self-worth can dominate adulthood.

Unfinished Business - This is an enormous topic that cannot be handled in one lesson but the essence of unfinished business it the inner desire to complete a task that cannot be completed. An example of unfinished business may be the task that a child has to try to get attention and validation from a parent who is unavailable. Because this task could not be completed during childhood the person finds himself attracted to the same type of person with the same issues of their parents so they can try to complete the task with them. The principle of unfinished business explains why people repeat unhealthy patterns in relationships.

Poor Coping Skills - This can be characterized by problems such as denial or fear of discovery and a lack of ability in expressing true feelings. A person with poor coping skills can have difficulty in dealing with their personal issues. This is a common problem stemming from the dysfunctional family because the only issues that were spoken about were the issues of the handicapped member.

False Identities - A person may wear a mask to hide their true self because they are afraid if people knew who they really were they would be rejected.

Inability to Find Purpose - By not knowing our true identity they can be impossible to find and move into God-given purpose.

Restlessness - This can be defined as an inability to commit or settle down. The restless person may change jobs churches and even friendships or relationships often.

Depression - Depression is a very serious illness. Its symptoms are –

• Sadness that never disappears but varies in intensity from day to day.
Hopelessness which stems from extreme depression wherein the person feels there is no hope for joy peace or life in general.
• Lack of motivation - the person knows they should do something positive but the motivation to act is not there.
• Fatigue - a feeling of constant tiredness which can cause the person to become lethargic.
• Suicidal thoughts such as, "I feel so bad that I would rather be dead than continue to live this way."
• Negative patterns of thinking - everything is seen in the negative. The glass is half empty. It can be described as wearing dark glasses that make everything look bad.
• Escapism through drugs, alcohol, sex, food, shopping, work, sleep and various other methods to avoid the pain.
• Feeling overwhelmed - even simple tasks can become hard. The thought of doing something that may have been simple in the past seems overly difficult.
• Numbness - this is when the person with depression begins to feel nothing. No sadness no joy nor happiness no emotion but simply becomes "flatlined."

Further notes on depression – We need to understand that this disease can vary greatly in intensity and duration. Depression can last for days, weeks, or even a lifetime. It can come and go and change every day. Depression is curable! There are natural cures, medical cures and of course most importantly, there is the Lord.

Role-Playing - The adult child of the dysfunctional family may still play one of the roles that they assumed as a child.

• The Hero - They will constantly strive for perfection in order to be the hero.
• The Scapegoat - It is much easier to take the blame or just be the bad guy.
• The Clown - Make fun of everything you can in order to hide the pain.
• The Lost One - Try to make themselves invisible and make no waves.

Controlling - There is an inner vow that is made that says I must be in control at all times because being out of control is what caused me so much pain in my past. This is a serious problem because it creates a lack of trust and faith in God and a lot of frustration with friends and family. Controlling people live externally keeping the focus on what other people should be doing so therefore they can avoid their own issues.

Shame – This problem tends to stick with most victims of dysfunction. It is a feeling that remains under the surface but is constantly there. "There is something wrong with my family so there must be something wrong with me."

Study Questions:

1. Why is looking at symptoms of the dysfunctional family important?
2. How does the dysfunctional family create low self esteem?
3. Why to people created a false identity?
4. What is depression and what is the cure?

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Beware of Schemes

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Definition - a systematic plan for a course of action

Satan has a systematic plan designed specifically for your harm.

The primary purpose is to thwart your God-given purpose and enable a Satanic designed purpose to emerge.

It is customized specifically for you.

It will accentuate any weakness and constantly affirm itself.

The scheme’s vehicle of operation will include your family and friends.

Family and friends typically do not know that they are being used to facilitate your personal scheme.

Because schemes are systematic they will repeat themselves constantly through the lives of the victims.

Christians are especially targeted with schemes. That is why the Lord tells us not to be caught unaware. 2 Corinthians 2:11 - so that no advantage would be taken of us by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his scheme.

A scheme can begin through open doors. A doorway for a scheme can be a traumatic event, a judgment or vow, rebellion toward God, participation in the occult, even through ancestral sin and many other avenues.

A scheme can begin in the womb such as an unwanted pregnancy.

Schemes come in many shapes and forms and can come in through many different ways.

When the Lord reveals a personal scheme He will give you authority to overcome it.

The first battle to win is the battle in the spiritual realm.

Ephesians 6:12 - For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

The reason we put on the armor of God is that we are in a spiritual battle.

Ephesians 6:11- Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.

In a sense spiritual battles are the easiest ones. The spiritual realm is real but our authority over demons is also real.

James 4:7 - Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

Mark16:17 - "These signs will accompany those who have believed: in My name they will cast out demons,"

The battle that many people fail to win is the battle over their flesh.

You can cast out demons but you cannot cast out yourself.

The battle for the flesh can be won with help from the Holy Spirit.

Romans 8:12-13 - So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh; for if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live.

A scheme is a life time plot against you by Satan, designed specifically for your harm.

• The number one purpose of a scheme is to stop your divinely created purpose.
• The scheme is customized for each individual - Isaiah 54:17 - No weapon that is formed against you will prosper.
• A scheme tends to repeat itself over and over all during a person’s life.
• When a scheme is effective Satan will use it again and again.

Types of schemes:

• Unworthiness
• Abandonment
• Illegitimacy
• Spirit of fear
• Self hatred
• Unloving Spirit
• And many more

To break a scheme:

• Recognize it
• Confess Christ
• Repent of sin
• Ask for and receive forgiveness for our part
• Forgive yourself and others
• Renounce any doorway such as contact with the occult
• Pray for the scheme to be broken
• Believe you have received and stand firm in faith

Study Questions:

1. Define the term scheme in the context of this lesson.
2. Why are family and friends sometimes used to facilitate schemes?
3. Do you know what the scheme is in your life? How do you plan to break it?
4. List some other possible schemes.

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About the Dysfunctional Family

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Dysfunction implies something is not functioning the way it was designed.

Families can fall into dysfunction because of handicaps. Common handicaps are, drug addiction, alcoholism, mental and emotional problems, depression, and anger management issues.

Handicaps can develop generationally as a result of the dysfunctional ancestry.

Nehemiah 9:2 - The descendants of Israel separated themselves from all foreigners, and stood and confessed their sins and the iniquities of their fathers.

Psalms 79:8 - Do not remember the iniquities of our forefathers against us; Let Your compassion come quickly to meet us.

What you may notice in the above mentioned Scriptures is that there is a possible problem of generational iniquity that needed to be forgiven.

Dysfunction in the family is always connected ultimately to sin.

The number one cause of a handicap is the work of Satan not controlled by the Holy Spirit.

Dysfunction is a handicap.

What is dysfunction? According to the dictionary dysfunction is abnormal or weakened function of a social group machine or body.

For our purposes the social group we are addressing is our family.

As Christians, dysfunction could be defined as anything not operating according to God's created purpose.

Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

Let's start with children. All children have three primary needs.

These three areas of need are:

1. Physical Needs
2. The Need for Guidance
3. The Need to be Nurtured

Any shortage in the above areas can be called dysfunction or abuse. The effects can last a lifetime. Most families work some in all areas but can be negligent in particular area. In general families do the best that they can based on their own personal experience and life programming.


Typical Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family

• The needy or handicapped family member gets all of the attention.
• The needy person controls the family like a puppeteer.
• Feelings are not expressed, or only certain ones are allowed.
• The family has hidden agendas. Denial of problems is the norm.
• Destructive roles are permitted; such as the following roles that children will assume to cope with the shame of the family (we will cover more on this later).
  • The hero child; I am so perfect it will cover the shame of my family.
  • The scapegoat child; I will take the blame for everything.
  • The clown child; I will make it all a joke. I will always laugh and make fun in order not to have to cope.
  • The lost child; I will fade away. I will just not exist. I will fade into the woodwork.
  • The surrogate spouse – the child assumes the role of a wife or father.
• The family fails to nurture.
• There is a general lack of trust.
• The family can be closed to the outside world.
• Critical of success and successful people.
• One member is allowed all of the attention because of constant crisis to the neglect of the other members.
• One member of the family is handicapped because of alcoholism, drug addiction, severe depression or other behavioral issues.
• Feelings or emotions are not allowed except maybe anger and that may only be allowed to be expressed by one or two people.
• Shame is a way of life. It can be underlying but it is always there.
• Children will take on the shame of the family. "There is something wrong with my family so there must be something wrong with me."
• Constant criticism is the norm.
• Appearance is everything. Look good on the outside no matter what.
• Having company is discouraged (we might get discovered).
• The focus of the family is on one member. Children may be neglected because of this.

Study Questions:

1. In the context of this lesson, define the term dysfunction.
2. What do you think causes a family to become dysfunctional?
3. List and explain the three primary areas of need for children.
4. What happens to the family when the needy or handicapped member receives an inordinate amount of attention?

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