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Effective Communication

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Effective Communication

"Never answer an angry word with an angry word. It's the second one that makes the quarrel" – unknown.

The extent to which you can listen to, understand, and express yourself to be understood, and actively resolve conflict, will determine the level of relationship you can experience with any individual.

Psalms - 19:14 - Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.

Ecclesiastes 10:12-13 – The words of a wise man's mouth win him favor, but the lips of a fool consume him.

Matthew 12:36-37 – I tell you, on the day of judgment men will render account for every careless word they utter; for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.


Effective communication always begins with proper listening habits.


Focus on…

• What is being said
• Clarification of valid points
• Understanding

Do not focus on…

• How you feel about what is said
• Defense of inaccurate accusations
• Judgment

Ask clarifying questions:

• "Are you telling me that______________?"
• "What did you mean when you said __________?"

Ask a summary question:

"Of all that you just said, what do you most want me to understand?"

Resolving Conflict

Ephesians 4:26 – Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.


Four Common Ways People React to Conflict:


Fight to Win

This is the "I win, you lose" or "I'm right, you're wrong" position. This person seeks to dominate the other person; personal relationships take second place to the need to triumph.

Withdraw

This person seeks to avoid discomfort at all costs, saying "I'm uncomfortable, so I'll get out." This person sees no hope of resolving the conflict or lacks the strength to confront it. Many times, this person copes by using the dreaded "silent treatment."

Yield

This person assumes it is far better to go along with the other person's demands than risk a confrontation. "Rather than start another argument, whatever you wish is fine." To this person, the need to feel safe is more important than resolving the problem.

Lovingly Resolve This person wants to commit to resolving the conflict by taking steps to carefully and sensitively discuss the issue. Resolving a conflict requires a special attitude - one of humility, of placing the relationship at a higher priority than the conflict itself. This person values relationship more than winning or losing, escaping or feeling comfortable.

Study Questions:

1. Why are our words important to God?
2. Discuss effective ways to have good listening skills.
3. Interpret and explain Ephesians 4:26.
4. What does it mean to “lovingly resolve” a conflict?

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Dealing with Controlling People and Relationship Issues

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Why They Do It

The controller is wounded inside and there is some deep rooted pain.

On a subconscious level they want to avoid the pain at all costs.

The controller wears a mask to cover up their reality.

They have trust issues so surrender to God is difficult - Psalms 118:8 - It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. Without trust there will be a tendency to control.


Living Externally

By trying to control others this allows a person to focus on the outside therefore they can completely ignore the inside.

Without an external focus the controller would have to look inside and deal with their issues.

Controllers have a fear of what they may find within their own heart and therefore avoid their own stuff at all cost.

Living externally is addictive because it covers pain. Controlling can actually accomplish the same thing as alcohol or drugs. Pain can be medicated or ignored by trying to control.

Controlling people have difficulty in living any other way.

God is an internal God – Below is a prophecy by Jeremiah about the coming New Covenant that will put the Lord inside of us. Up to this point God was only to be found in the Holy of Holies and whenever He anointed anyone for a period of time.

Jeremiah 31:33 - "But this is the covenant which I will make with the house of Israel after those days," declares the LORD, "I will put My law within them and on their heart I will write it; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people."

Paul also explained that God is internal for the believer – 1 Corinthians 3:16 - Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?

The controlling person through their externally focused behavior not only avoids themself but they avoid God as well.

Controlling people tend to justify their actions because they believe they are correct in what they trying to accomplish.

By trying to control another person the controller steps in the role of a false God.

Controllers can easily interfere with their victim’s relationship with God.

Usually what God is doing in a person’s life is not want the controller thinks. Isaiah 55:8 - "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.

God’s timing can be disrupted by the controller. Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--

Controlling is a deception that looks good, and seems right but is a sin. Because it looks good and seems right and even holy the controller works very hard at controlling.

Controllers can have a “savior’ complex. They believe they are sent to fix you and therefore save you.

The message of the fixer is that you are broken and they are not. This puts them in a one up position.

The controller feels justifies in trying to force a change on another person thereby fixing them.

God calls all of us equal. No one is called to control another person. We are called to serve each other.

Mark 10:45 - "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."

Study Questions:

1. Explain the relationship between controlling others and internal pain.
2. What does it mean to live externally?
3. Explain what I meant when I said that God is an internal God.
4. What happens when one person tries to fix another person?

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Our Response to the Controller

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Our Response to the Controller

Being around controlling people is difficult.

Some typical problems of the victims:

• Frustration
• Confusion
• Resentment
• Low Self Esteem
• Self Rejection
• Tension
• Hopelessness

What can be done?

You can do want they want but resent it. However guilty compliance is never love, it is slavery. "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver" (2 Cor. 9:7).

You can try to fix or change them but if you attempt to fix or enforce a change on the controller then you have become a controller yourself.

We all want to change people who hurt us. That is a natural response. However we cannot change another person.

You can yield to them.

You can avoid them.

You can fight them.


Healthy Responses

We can be an example and a positive influence.

We can intercede through prayer. It is God’s job to affect change in people so we should pray for God to do what He does best.

We can choose to limit our exposure to them.

We can learn about boundaries. Having healthy boundaries means knowing where you end and another person begins.

God does not hold us responsible for another adult’s thoughts words or behavior. God hold each one of us only responsible for our own actions.

Whenever we fail to own our own behavior, boundaries will be crossed.

It is not about what is done to us it is about what how we react.

What another person thinks of you is none of your business. What you think is your business. What they think is their business.

We can allow the controller to reap what they have sown or in simple terms suffer their natural consequences.

Enabling is taking away the responsibility or consequences of another adult.

When we refuse to enable the controller we are showing them love.

The laws of sowing and reaping can be suspended if you choose to enable the controller.

We are not responsible for the thoughts of others. If someone is thinking good or bad about us we must accept that fact. We can try to affect their thoughts, but we cannot control them.

It is difficult not to allow another person’s words and actions to control us, but that is what God expects. God is a jealous God and He alone wants to be in control.

Study Questions:

1. Discuss the typical problems of the victim of the controller.
2. Discuss the result of guilty compliance.
3. How can we be an example and a positive influence for the controller?
4. Define the term "boundaries" and what it mean to have healthy boundaries.

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Dealing with Controlling People and Relationship Issues

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Ignorance does not justify oppression. It only makes it possible. - Patricia Evans


Typical Behavior

Controllers are opinionated on everything and every topic.

Controllers are gifted but tend to misuse their gift.

Controllers are intelligent but use their mind as a weapon.

Controllers believe they are correct on all issues.

Controllers believe that they are the "right" person and others who do not comply with their opinion are the "wrong" person.

Controllers believe that since they are right then they have a right to enforce their correctness on others.

Controllers constantly think about new methods or strategies to get people to do what they want.

Controllers believe that they are serving the Lord by manipulating people to do what they think is right.

Controllers are constantly frustrated because people do not line up with what they think is best.

Controllers are typically poor listeners.

Controllers are not open to other opinions.

Controllers can be narcissist (If it is not something they care about then it does not exist).

The controller desires to fix people rather that serve people. Our model is - Mark 10:45 - For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.

The controller ultimately fails in their attempt to control other people because it is an impossible task.

Because the task is impossible the controller does not stop but tries even harder.

The controller tends to self justify because they believe they are correct in what they are trying to accomplish. Romans 3:10 - as it is written, "THERE IS NONE RIGHTEOUS, NOT EVEN ONE; The controller may struggle with faith because faith involves surrender and surrender means they are not in control.

The controlling person has difficulty in surrendering their self will to the Lord’s will.

This scripture is not understood by the controller - Psalms 37:5 - Commit thy way unto Jehovah; Trust also in him, and he will bring it to pass.

Controllers can tend to be negative because constant criticism is one of their methods of control.


Weapons of the Controller

• Guilt – you are guilty if you do not comply.
• Shame – you are shameful if you do not do what they think is right.
• Fear – something bad will happen to you if you do not do their will.
• Anger – the controller says, "I will be mad at you if you do not do what I want."
• Threats – threatening bad consequences if you do not comply with their wished.
• Arguments – uses their intellectual arguments in order to squash your opinion and control you.
• Leadership – if the controller has a leadership position they may use threats against you.
• Misguided authority – example – husbands or pastors, can use their authority to control instead of to lead or serve.
• Misguided Intercessory prayer – prayers that are my will be done instead of "Thy will be done."
• Physical abuse – using physical force in order to dominate and force the controller’s will.
• Emotional abuse – psychological bashing by put downs and criticisms.
• Abandonment – "I will leave you if you do not do what I want."
• Sex – withholding within marriage, or used asa weapon against someone’s will.

Effects on the Victims

• Those around them feel pressured.
• Some may comply with the controller in order to appease.
• Appeasement does not solve the problem.
• There is confusion – this is the most common result of being influenced by a controller because of the problem with witchcraft. Anytime a person is being controlled against their will there will be confusion.
• When the controller is involved in a difficult situation the problem magnifies.
• The victims may comply but inwardly they feel resentment.
• There will be an atmosphere of tension.
• The victims are frustrated.
• People begin to try to avoid the controller.
• The victims start looking for ways to stop or fix the controller.
• Faith is damaged.
• Demonic forces can be unleashed that can affect the victim.

Study Questions:

1. Discuss the typical behavior of a controlling person.
2. Why does the controlling person have difficulty in surrendering their self will to the Lord’s will?
3. Discuss the weapons of the controller.
4. Discuss the effects of the controller on their victims.

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