by Dr. Ray Self
The Christ Model for Dealing with Difficult People
All of us in you have a desire to show people their faults especially when their fault is hurting us. There is a scriptural model for this.
Jesus gave us a very clear method on how to approach a brother or sister in sin –
Matthew 18:15 - "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother."
The first principle is to go to the person in private. Obviously this should only be done if it is safe to do so.
Within principle number one we are to show him his fault but the motivation for doing this must always be love and genuine concern for the other person.
Ephesians 4:15 - but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ,
Jesus did not say that we should only go to them one time. It may take multiple times.
Matthew 18:16 - "But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED."
After you have made a sincere effort to restore your brother or sister then Jesus said you should take one or two witnesses with you to speak to that person.
The principle of witnesses is a Scriptural principle taken from the Law of Moses. It is used to establish truth and facts.
Matthew 18:17 - "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."
After a sincere effort has been made in the presence of witnesses to restore your brother or sister who is in sin you then are free to bring it to the church.
This does not mean to announce their sin from the pulpit on Sunday morning.
Jesus is saying take the problem to the church leadership.
If he or she refuses to listen or hear the advice of the church leadership, only at that point are you free to separate yourself completely from them.
Matthew 18:18 - "Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven."
The principle of binding and loosing has been talked about many times. This principle is actually used in the context of trying to restore a brother or sister in sin.
Matthew 18:19 - "Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven."
Jesus is saying that if we follow his principle of using witnesses in agreement in the restoration of a brother who was in sin that God the father will honor your efforts.
Matthew 18:20 - "For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst."
When two or three people gathered together in the name of Jesus to restore a brother or sister who was caught up in sin the Lord promises to be with them.
Closing Summary
The primary issue of who is in control has been around from the beginning of mankind.
God desires our unwavering faith and trust with Him in control.
Man’s desire to be in control is in direct opposition to faith and trust.
Controlling people believe that they are the "right" person and others who do not comply with their opinion are the "wrong" person.
Controllers have a fear of what they may find within their own heart and therefore avoid their own stuff at all cost by focusing on controlling others.
Controllers can easily interfere with their victim’s relationship with God.
Being around controlling people is difficult.
You can try to fix or change them but if you attempt to fix or enforce a change on the controller then you have become a controller yourself.
Having healthy boundaries means knowing where you end and another person begins.
What another person thinks of you is none of your business. What you think is your business. What they think is their business.
It is difficult not to allow another person’s words and actions to control us, but that is what God expects. God is a jealous God and He alone wants to be in control.
Relationships
"Never answer an angry word with an angry word. It's the second one that makes the quarrel" – unknown.
The extent to which you can listen to, understand, and express yourself to be understood, and actively resolve conflict, will determine the level of relationship you can experience with any individual.
Four Common Ways People React to Conflict:
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by Dr. Ray Self
Effective Communication
"Never answer an angry word with an angry word. It's the second one that makes the quarrel" – unknown.
The extent to which you can listen to, understand, and express yourself to be understood, and actively resolve conflict, will determine the level of relationship you can experience with any individual.
Psalms - 19:14 - Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.
Ecclesiastes 10:12-13 – The words of a wise man's mouth win him favor, but the lips of a fool consume him.
Matthew 12:36-37 – I tell you, on the day of judgment men will render account for every careless word they utter; for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.
Effective communication always begins with proper listening habits.
Focus on…
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by Dr. Ray Self
Why They Do It
The controller is wounded inside and there is some deep rooted pain.
On a subconscious level they want to avoid the pain at all costs.
The controller wears a mask to cover up their reality.
They have trust issues so surrender to God is difficult - Psalms 118:8 - It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. Without trust there will be a tendency to control.
Living Externally
By trying to control others this allows a person to focus on the outside therefore they can completely ignore the inside.
Without an external focus the controller would have to look inside and deal with their issues.
Controllers have a fear of what they may find within their own heart and therefore avoid their own stuff at all cost.
Living externally is addictive because it covers pain. Controlling can actually accomplish the same thing as alcohol or drugs. Pain can be medicated or ignored by trying to control.
Controlling people have difficulty in living any other way.
God is an internal God – Below is a prophecy by Jeremiah about the coming New Covenant that will put the Lord inside of us. Up to this point God was only to be found in the Holy of Holies and whenever He anointed anyone for a period of time.
Jeremiah 31:33 - "But this is the covenant which I will make with the house of Israel after those days," declares the LORD, "I will put My law within them and on their heart I will write it; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people."
Paul also explained that God is internal for the believer – 1 Corinthians 3:16 - Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?
The controlling person through their externally focused behavior not only avoids themself but they avoid God as well.
Controlling people tend to justify their actions because they believe they are correct in what they trying to accomplish.
By trying to control another person the controller steps in the role of a false God.
Controllers can easily interfere with their victim’s relationship with God.
Usually what God is doing in a person’s life is not want the controller thinks. Isaiah 55:8 - "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.
God’s timing can be disrupted by the controller. Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--
Controlling is a deception that looks good, and seems right but is a sin. Because it looks good and seems right and even holy the controller works very hard at controlling.
Controllers can have a “savior’ complex. They believe they are sent to fix you and therefore save you.
The message of the fixer is that you are broken and they are not. This puts them in a one up position.
The controller feels justifies in trying to force a change on another person thereby fixing them.
God calls all of us equal. No one is called to control another person. We are called to serve each other.
Mark 10:45 - "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."
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by Dr. Ray Self
Our Response to the Controller
Being around controlling people is difficult.
Some typical problems of the victims:
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by Dr. Ray Self
Ignorance does not justify oppression. It only makes it possible. - Patricia Evans
Typical Behavior
Controllers are opinionated on everything and every topic.
Controllers are gifted but tend to misuse their gift.
Controllers are intelligent but use their mind as a weapon.
Controllers believe they are correct on all issues.
Controllers believe that they are the "right" person and others who do not comply with their opinion are the "wrong" person.
Controllers believe that since they are right then they have a right to enforce their correctness on others.
Controllers constantly think about new methods or strategies to get people to do what they want.
Controllers believe that they are serving the Lord by manipulating people to do what they think is right.
Controllers are constantly frustrated because people do not line up with what they think is best.
Controllers are typically poor listeners.
Controllers are not open to other opinions.
Controllers can be narcissist (If it is not something they care about then it does not exist).
The controller desires to fix people rather that serve people. Our model is - Mark 10:45 - For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.
The controller ultimately fails in their attempt to control other people because it is an impossible task.
Because the task is impossible the controller does not stop but tries even harder.
The controller tends to self justify because they believe they are correct in what they are trying to accomplish. Romans 3:10 - as it is written, "THERE IS NONE RIGHTEOUS, NOT EVEN ONE; The controller may struggle with faith because faith involves surrender and surrender means they are not in control.
The controlling person has difficulty in surrendering their self will to the Lord’s will.
This scripture is not understood by the controller - Psalms 37:5 - Commit thy way unto Jehovah; Trust also in him, and he will bring it to pass.
Controllers can tend to be negative because constant criticism is one of their methods of control.
Weapons of the Controller
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